Post by lace on Nov 5, 2006 17:11:34 GMT -5
[glow=red,2,300]Domestic violence offender shares his story [/glow]
By Andrea Koskey The Daily Times
11/05/2006
Billy, a 46-year-old domestic violence offender, talks about his... (Lindsay Pierce/The Daily Times)«1»Billy, a 46-year-old domestic violence offender, talks about his experiences and how he has changed for the better. (Lindsay Pierce/The Daily Times)Editor's note: The name of the domestic violence offender is changed to protect his identity.
FARMINGTON — Domestic violence is a man's problem, too.
No one knows that more than a domestic violence offender, such as Billy.
Billy, who seeks counseling voluntarily at the Family Crisis Center in Farmington, said he can see his behavior was related to his own unhappiness. However, that is something he would not have admitted four years ago when he was convicted on a domestic violence charge.
"It was not obvious to me I needed to change," Billy explained. "I cannot stay that way. It's not conducive to the life I want to live, so I chose to do something about it. The last act (of domestic violence) I committed was a travesty, but I don't excuse myself because I did it."
The 46-year-old said he was not raised in a violent household and does not know where the behavior originates. What he does know is that he wants to change.
"All it boils down to is me being unhappy," said Billy. "Most people can't understand what I feel
(and why I did it). I was trying to take control of situations because I was unhappy and I felt if I could control it I could make it better. But I realize now that is not realistic."
The first act of violence, Billy said, started when he was 9 years old. He said he sent another neighbor child to the hospital after a fight.
Billy said he was not court ordered to receive counseling for domestic violence until 2002, nearly 20 years after his first instance of domestic violence in 1986.
Not many years after the fight, Billy said he started using drugs and drinking alcohol and "selling himself short" on his life and accomplishments.
Domestically, Billy said he grew up learning from his father that it was not right to hit a woman and that it "takes a bigger man to turn and walk away from a fight." So, when an argument escalated during his first marriage, from name calling to violent acts, Billy was surprised.
"I just blacked out in a rage. I had no control over what I was doing," he said. "That was the first time I was ever violent in a relationship, but when I came out (of the rage) I knew I was trying to kill her."
Billy was not charged with a domestic violence crime after the incident.
Although he told himself domestic violence was a situation he never wanted to find himself in again, his next act occurred only a few years later during another argument when the couple was driving down the road.
"I used the same (derogatory) term as before," he said. "She back handed me, I saw the blood and got so angry I just started punching. I remember every bit (of this fight) like it was yesterday."
Both instances happened in front of his only son.
"That's why I stopped," Billy said. "My son was in the back seat and he was there when I tried to kill his mother."
But again, Billy saw no repercussions from the law.
Billy said he is proud of the man his son has become.
"He can still look at me and say he loves me," he said. "Even though (my son) saw me in my most horrendous moments and saw me hit his mother."
In his second and third marriage, Billy said he was honest with his partners about his past.
"They were supportive until they would use it against me," said Billy.
Billy admitted one problem he has that may escalate to a fight is his mouth.
"My mouth is the first line of defense," he said. "I can hurt you with my mouth, with the derogatory names and hateful words."
During his required counseling resulting from his flaws, Billy said he did not want to be there and did not make an effort to change.
"I was resentful," he said. "I didn't think I was one of them, that I needed to make a change."
This, Billy said, was probably because he saw something in all the other men that was much like himself. He said he did not like that quality.
"I don't like violence," he said. "It's horrible."
His final two acts were in his last two marriages. The third time, he said, was another argument where he again used words to "cut at" his wife.
And the last incident happened in 2002, although he did not physically touch his wife. While Billy refrained from specific details of the incident, he was still found guilty of domestic violence.
"I didn't know it was domestic violence," he said with an expression of surprise. "I looked at the judge (when he found me guilty) and I thought This is unreal.'"
Billy said if he were held accountable after the first instance 20 years ago, he might be a different person today.
"I was so miserable (at the time)," he said. "So many people don't understand the depth of despair of the situation."
Billy, however, saw a light at the end of the tunnel as long as he was willing to change. Counselors working with Billy said they too can see a change in his attitude and behavior.
"He's come a long way," said Counselor Richalyn Fredriksen. "He's done a lot of self reflection and done a lot of work."
Although at first he did not want to seek help, Billy said he is grateful he made the effort, but knows there is a long road ahead.
"Challenge is opportunity," he said. "It's something I have to live with, but as long as I work on it on a daily basis, I can do things to ensure this will never happen again."
One of those first steps, his counselor said, was to come to Family Crisis Center to seek help on his own.
"I know I can control my actions," he said. "But I need help controlling my thinking. Everything I'd ever done was my responsibility. I feel sorry for everyone I victimized."
Anyone needing help who may be in a domestic violence situation can contact the 24-hour help line at (505) 564-9192.
www.daily-times.com/ci_4606903
By Andrea Koskey The Daily Times
11/05/2006
Billy, a 46-year-old domestic violence offender, talks about his... (Lindsay Pierce/The Daily Times)«1»Billy, a 46-year-old domestic violence offender, talks about his experiences and how he has changed for the better. (Lindsay Pierce/The Daily Times)Editor's note: The name of the domestic violence offender is changed to protect his identity.
FARMINGTON — Domestic violence is a man's problem, too.
No one knows that more than a domestic violence offender, such as Billy.
Billy, who seeks counseling voluntarily at the Family Crisis Center in Farmington, said he can see his behavior was related to his own unhappiness. However, that is something he would not have admitted four years ago when he was convicted on a domestic violence charge.
"It was not obvious to me I needed to change," Billy explained. "I cannot stay that way. It's not conducive to the life I want to live, so I chose to do something about it. The last act (of domestic violence) I committed was a travesty, but I don't excuse myself because I did it."
The 46-year-old said he was not raised in a violent household and does not know where the behavior originates. What he does know is that he wants to change.
"All it boils down to is me being unhappy," said Billy. "Most people can't understand what I feel
(and why I did it). I was trying to take control of situations because I was unhappy and I felt if I could control it I could make it better. But I realize now that is not realistic."
The first act of violence, Billy said, started when he was 9 years old. He said he sent another neighbor child to the hospital after a fight.
Billy said he was not court ordered to receive counseling for domestic violence until 2002, nearly 20 years after his first instance of domestic violence in 1986.
Not many years after the fight, Billy said he started using drugs and drinking alcohol and "selling himself short" on his life and accomplishments.
Domestically, Billy said he grew up learning from his father that it was not right to hit a woman and that it "takes a bigger man to turn and walk away from a fight." So, when an argument escalated during his first marriage, from name calling to violent acts, Billy was surprised.
"I just blacked out in a rage. I had no control over what I was doing," he said. "That was the first time I was ever violent in a relationship, but when I came out (of the rage) I knew I was trying to kill her."
Billy was not charged with a domestic violence crime after the incident.
Although he told himself domestic violence was a situation he never wanted to find himself in again, his next act occurred only a few years later during another argument when the couple was driving down the road.
"I used the same (derogatory) term as before," he said. "She back handed me, I saw the blood and got so angry I just started punching. I remember every bit (of this fight) like it was yesterday."
Both instances happened in front of his only son.
"That's why I stopped," Billy said. "My son was in the back seat and he was there when I tried to kill his mother."
But again, Billy saw no repercussions from the law.
Billy said he is proud of the man his son has become.
"He can still look at me and say he loves me," he said. "Even though (my son) saw me in my most horrendous moments and saw me hit his mother."
In his second and third marriage, Billy said he was honest with his partners about his past.
"They were supportive until they would use it against me," said Billy.
Billy admitted one problem he has that may escalate to a fight is his mouth.
"My mouth is the first line of defense," he said. "I can hurt you with my mouth, with the derogatory names and hateful words."
During his required counseling resulting from his flaws, Billy said he did not want to be there and did not make an effort to change.
"I was resentful," he said. "I didn't think I was one of them, that I needed to make a change."
This, Billy said, was probably because he saw something in all the other men that was much like himself. He said he did not like that quality.
"I don't like violence," he said. "It's horrible."
His final two acts were in his last two marriages. The third time, he said, was another argument where he again used words to "cut at" his wife.
And the last incident happened in 2002, although he did not physically touch his wife. While Billy refrained from specific details of the incident, he was still found guilty of domestic violence.
"I didn't know it was domestic violence," he said with an expression of surprise. "I looked at the judge (when he found me guilty) and I thought This is unreal.'"
Billy said if he were held accountable after the first instance 20 years ago, he might be a different person today.
"I was so miserable (at the time)," he said. "So many people don't understand the depth of despair of the situation."
Billy, however, saw a light at the end of the tunnel as long as he was willing to change. Counselors working with Billy said they too can see a change in his attitude and behavior.
"He's come a long way," said Counselor Richalyn Fredriksen. "He's done a lot of self reflection and done a lot of work."
Although at first he did not want to seek help, Billy said he is grateful he made the effort, but knows there is a long road ahead.
"Challenge is opportunity," he said. "It's something I have to live with, but as long as I work on it on a daily basis, I can do things to ensure this will never happen again."
One of those first steps, his counselor said, was to come to Family Crisis Center to seek help on his own.
"I know I can control my actions," he said. "But I need help controlling my thinking. Everything I'd ever done was my responsibility. I feel sorry for everyone I victimized."
Anyone needing help who may be in a domestic violence situation can contact the 24-hour help line at (505) 564-9192.
www.daily-times.com/ci_4606903